


vanilla & coconut

by broduce



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, but panwink remains superior because i say so, gonna sink with it if i have to, im kidding pink sausages cute too, im not letting this ship sink, yea im looking at you traitors who ditched for 2park
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-17 05:08:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14181438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/broduce/pseuds/broduce
Summary: He looks at Guanlin, and Guanlin looks back. But instead of the warm gaze Jihoon is so used to receiving, this time, Guanlin's eyes are hard and guarded. Jihoon stands up, intending to get closer, to press himself to Guanlin if he has to, in order to make that look go away.





	vanilla & coconut

**Author's Note:**

> Set before the boys moved dorms, when Jihoon and Guanlin were still sharing a room! And also before Woojin and Jihoon turned 20 :)

Jihoon's tired feet move him automatically toward his bed. He maneuvers expertly around Woojin's shoes and Jaehwan's music sheets, a habitual maze by now, before he reaches the ladder to his bunk. He's just about to start hauling himself up when he hears hushed voices right outside the door.

"Where are you going?" It's Minhyun's soft voice, and Jihoon cranes his head a little to hear better.

"Daehwi's," comes the mumbled reply, and Jihoon's ears immediately pick up on Guanlin's voice.

There's a pause and then a labored sigh. "Where's Daehwi going to sleep?"

"Jinyoung hyung," Guanlin answers immediately.

Jihoon squints in the dark to look at Guanlin's bunk on the other side of the room. Even through the pitch black, he can see that Guanlin's pillow is missing from his bed.

Minhyun sighs again. "You're okay?"

"I'm fine, hyung. Go to sleep, it's late."

There's a pause, and Jihoon can almost see the stare he knows Minhyun is fixing Guanlin with. Finally, a resigned grunt. "You too, okay Guanlin? Don't stay up too late."

Jihoon hears steps approaching and hastily climbs up the ladder as quietly as he can, diving under his covers.

From the comfort of his bed, Jihoon hears Minhyun come into the room, quietly shutting the door. He stops when he gets to their bunk, and Jihoon feels a very soft pat on the top of his head.

"Kids," is the last thing Jihoon hears Minhyun sigh out before sleep lulls him away.

 

* * *

 

Jihoon thinks sleep is too overrated. He would much rather spend his time playing games or annoying his members.

Which is why, on a rare day of rest, Jihoon finds himself in the living room, Playstation plugged in and ready, while the other members are still asleep.

He waits patiently to see who will wake up next. Probably Minhyun, since that old soul can't seem to sleep past eight. Or maybe Jisung, who sometimes wakes up to cook for the younger ones.

Instead, it's Guanlin who walks out of Daehwi's, Sungwoon's, and Jinyoung's shared room, tall figure silent as he tries to close the door quietly.

"Guanlin?" Jihoon calls out tentatively.

Guanlin almost jumps at the sound, turning around quickly to look for the source. When he spots Jihoon, he gives a small smile.

"Good morning," Guanlin greets. He doesn't come closer.

"Do you want to come play with me?" Jihoon asks, holding up a controller. He studies Guanlin — for the first time since he's known the boy, Jihoon can't read what's on Guanlin's mind.

Guanlin shakes his head. "No, thanks."

Jihoon pouts as he looks over at Guanlin. "Come on! Play with me? Please?"

Guanlin's expression is still unreadable, and Jihoon lets his arm drop along with the sudden sinking feeling in his stomach.

"Go ask Daniel hyung," is Guanlin's curt answer, and Jihoon almost flinches at the tone. It's cold and distant, paired with an equally aloof look.

"Daniel hyung is still sleeping," Jihoon says in a small voice, because for the first time, he doesn't know what to say to Guanlin.

He looks at Guanlin, and Guanlin looks back. But instead of the warm gaze Jihoon is so used to receiving, this time, Guanlin's eyes are hard and guarded. Jihoon stands up, intending to get closer, to press himself to Guanlin if he has to, in order to make that look go away.

Guanlin is still in front of the door, not having taken a single step towards Jihoon. Jihoon takes a step forward, just as Guanlin takes a step back, his back thudding against the door harshly.

The door on the opposite end of the hall opens and Daniel walks out, his hair standing up and his eyes still half closed.

"Hey Ji, hey Lin," Daniel greets sleepily with a smile, completely oblivious to the atmosphere in the room.

"Daniel hyung's awake now. You can play with him," Guanlin says curtly, his expression hardening even more as he turns and walks to their room without a single glance back.

It's not until Guanlin disappears into the room that Jihoon realizes this is the first time he has seen Guanlin go into their room in a week.

Daniel looks between the closed door and Jihoon, his eyes finally open.

"Jihoon?" Daniel asks gently, striding forward to join Jihoon in the living room, where Jihoon hasn't moved.

"Let's play?" Jihoon finally says, handing Daniel a remote.

Daniel regards him with a strange expression, but sighs. "Sure."

 

* * *

 

It's been a while since Wanna One has had overseas activities, so it's no wonder Jihoon is extra jumpy and excited.

Usually, Jihoon checks in last minute with Guanlin to make sure the boy has everything packed because, really, he's just a big baby who forgets his own toothbrush if no one reminds him.

"Guan—"

The name dies in his throat when Jihoon peeks into their shared room, and instead of finding Guanlin sitting under a load of clothes as usual, he sees Sungwoon stuffing a backpack — stuffing Guanlin's clothes into Guanlin's backpack, Jihoon realizes.

"Hyung?" Jihoon pushes open the door a little bit more, stepping into the room.

"Ah, Jihoon. I'm almost done. Just grabbing some of Guanlin's stuff..." Sungwoon looks up and gives Jihoon a little smile before going back to his task.

"Where's...where's Guanlin?" Jihoon asks, holding his breath — partly because he's nervous and partly because he doesn't want to know the answer.

"Probably in the bathroom. Kid almost forgot to pack his toothbrush before I reminded him." Sungwoon chuckles, zipping up the backpack.

Jihoon feels his throat close up. That was his job. He was supposed to remind Guanlin to bring his toothbrush. He was supposed to help Guanlin pack...that was tradition.

Jihoon slips out of the room, not sure where he's heading until his feet somehow bring him in the direction of the bathroom. As he nears, the door opens, and Guanlin walks out, a hand gripping a ziploc bag holding his toothbrush.

"Oh, hyung." Guanlin stops, eyes falling on Jihoon.

"I—"

"Did you need the bathroom? I'm done," Guanlin says tersely, holding the door open.

"No, I—"

"Time to go, kids!" Jisung yells as he ushers some of the members out, counting heads as they go.

Guanlin gives Jihoon a last look, and before Jihoon can say anything, slips out of Jihoon's sight.

Jihoon clenches his fists tightly, not sure why his stomach seems to be in a knot at the bottom of his abdomen.

Before he walks out the front door, Jihoon sees Seongwoo and Guanlin hanging back, Guanlin's head ducked slightly down to whisper something in Seongwoo's ear. He sees Seongwoo look up quickly, concern etched on his face, and Guanlin smiles in response, a little sad but also a little resolute.

They board the van with ease and practice. They have a system in place, for efficiency. It's not until Jihoon slides into his usual seat, buckles himself in, and looks up, that he realizes that he's pressed up against Jaehwan instead of Guanlin. He looks back in confusion and sees Guanlin nestled next to Seongwoo in the window seat. Guanlin's head is settled on Seongwoo's shoulder and Seongwoo's hand is placed protectively on top of Guanlin's thigh.

Jihoon feels everyone's confusion at the change in arrangement and he stares at Guanlin, willing the boy to look at him. But Guanlin's eyes remain stubbornly shut, his ears plugged in with earphones — completely closed off from the world, completely closed off from Jihoon.

Jihoon instead meets Seongwoo's eyes, which are, surprisingly, understanding. There's also something else though — disappointment, maybe — and that makes Jihoon turn away and look down, his cheeks burning.

 

* * *

 

The airport feels extra crowded today, and Jihoon clings onto the straps of his backpack tightly, his head down as he tries not to trip and fall.

Something's off, and Jihoon knows exactly what it is. He tries not to think about how usually, there would be a familiar figure in front of him, shielding him from the cameras and the screams. He tries not to think about the fact that today, said figure is bodies away, the oh-so-familiar back a distant blur in the crowd.

There are hands grabbing at him, and Jihoon feels his throat constrict, his heart take off, his hands start to sweat. He wants to push through the crowd or yell at everyone to give them space.

Or maybe he just wants to close his eyes and drown out everything and everyone around him.

Just as he's about to do that, however, he sees a swift shift of bodies in front of him, and all of a sudden, that familiar back is facing him, acting as the reliable wall that he didn't know he needed. Jihoon looks up and catches Guanlin's eyes for just a second before the other turns away.

Jihoon's eyes remain trained on Guanlin's backpack, the steady up and down rocking motion giving him a sense of calmness and familiarity that he desperately clings onto. Jihoon focuses on Guanlin — the familiar tall figure, the familiar sure gait, the familiar stoic countenance. The screams fade out as Jihoon hones in on the familiarity — on Guanlin.

The walk seems longer than usual, and Jihoon lets out a relieved sigh as the glass door slides closed behind them, shutting out the screams.

"Well that sucked," Jinyoung comments flatly after a beat of silence.

Guanlin lets out a little giggle, and Jihoon lets the corners of his mouth lift into a small smile.

"Thanks," he whispers to Guanlin while the other members are busy taking out their passports.

Guanlin turns to him, gives him a smile, and nods. There's something in his eyes, and Jihoon tries desperately to hold onto it. He wants nothing more than to wrap his arms around Guanlin's lanky frame, like he has done so many times before, and ask what's wrong, but before he can even take a step closer, Guanlin breaks off eye contact and turns away.

The comfort and familiarity Jihoon had immersed himself in less than five minutes ago vanished, just like that.

 

* * *

 

Jihoon pauses underneath the stairwell, mouth frozen open in a mid yawn as he trains his ears to listen.

"—need more time."

Jihoon looks up. That was definitely Guanlin's voice.

"I think...I need to stop for a bit. It's making him uncomfortable."

Jihoon hears the determination in Guanlin's voice, but what makes him more concerned is the hurt he detects. Who was he talking to? Who was he talking about?

There's a pause before Jihoon hears a small laugh.

"I know. I miss you too, Seonho."

Unconsciously, Jihoon's hand comes up to grip the handle of the stairwell tightly, and even in the dark, he can see his knuckles turn white with the effort.

"I'll talk to you later. Good night, Seonho," Jihoon hears Guanlin say, in that soft voice that he knows so well.

He knows he should slip into their room quietly, without a trace that he was ever there. But his feet seem to forget how to function, and Jihoon stays glued to his spot.

Guanlin starts down the staircase, as quietly as possible, but stops suddenly.

"Hyung?" Guanlin calls down, feet moving again, coming closer.

Jihoon looks up to see Guanlin clutching his phone tightly in his hand as he nears.

"I...woke up to get some water," Jihoon says lamely, his eyes trained on the boy.

Guanlin nods. The night is dark, but Jihoon swears Guanlin's eyes shine like the sun. He doesn't miss the guarded look, however, and it hurts him.

"Guanlin—" Jihoon starts, reaching an arm out, just as Guanlin brushes past him.

He smells a mix of vanilla — Guanlin's shampoo — and of coconut — Guanlin's body wash.

Guanlin stops for a second, turning back to look at Jihoon. There's hesitation in Guanlin's eyes, and Jihoon wants to ask why, wants to ask how he can make it better, but doesn't get a chance to before Guanlin's eyes soften just a tiny bit.

"Good night, Jihoon hyung."

Jihoon can only watch as Guanlin disappears into the dark.

 

* * *

 

"All right, are you going to tell me what's up with you or are you going to keep moping around like a loser?"

Jihoon looks up to see Woojin peering up at him from the opposite side of the room.

"You're the loser," Jihoon mutters as he rolls his eyes, kicking his feet up onto his bed so he can flop down onto his back.

Woojin snorts. "Can you just tell me what's going on so I can be a pal and make fun of you?"

Jihoon is tempted to chuck his pillow at Woojin, but he'd have to go down to retrieve it so he decides against it.

"Don't you have other people to annoy?" Jihoon asks, lying down on his bunk so that he can no longer see Woojin.

"Nah. Hyungs are having an Adult Only meeting right now. I tried to break in but Jaehwan hyung started screaming bloody murder so I decided to save my ears. Daehwi and Jinyoung are probably cuddling somewhere. And Guanlin..." Woojin trails off. "Oh."

This grabs Jihoon's attention, so he hauls himself up onto his elbows to peer down at Woojin again. "Oh?"

Woojin is sporting a smirk and oh screw it, this time Jihoon doesn't hesitate to throw the pillow straight towards Woojin.

The dancer laughs as the pillow bounces off his shoulder harmlessly. "You know, you could've just said it was about Guanlin."

Jihoon groans as he falls back on his bed. "It's not about him."

"Really. Then why hasn't Guanlin been sleeping in our room for a whole two weeks? And why hasn't he said more than two words to you during these two weeks?"

Jihoon doesn't answer.

"You're an idiot," Woojin says, but Jihoon doesn't detect any bite in the words. "Can you just, you know, talk to him or something?"

Jihoon sighs loudly, his cheeks puffing out. "As if it's that easy."

Jihoon yelps when his pillow comes flying smack onto his face.

"Idiot," Woojin repeats as he leaves the room.

 

* * *

 

Guanlin's nerves sometimes get the better of him before a live show. Jihoon knows this, which is why he keeps an eye on the boy the entire morning, from the moment they step into the salon right up until they arrive at the venue.

Guanlin keeps himself busy, staying with the members and engaging in conversation. But Jihoon can see that he's floating around, his attention not taken by anything around him.

"10 minutes until we're on air," a staff member shouts into the room as she breezes past.

Jihoon sees Guanlin stiffen just a little, his hands knotted together in his lap. It's a miniscule action, probably unnoticed by everyone else, but Jihoon knows every single one of Guanlin's movements. Guanlin has detached himself from the group, instead sitting alone in a corner of the room.

He approaches the boy, who only looks up when Jihoon taps him on the shoulder.

"Are you okay?" Jihoon asks quietly, taking a seat next to Guanlin. He tries not to focus on the fact that Guanlin shifts just a little to put a bit of space between them.

"I'm fine," Guanlin says, voice just a pitch higher than usual.

Jihoon bites down on his lower lip to hide his smile.

"Wanna One on standby!" someone shouts, and Jihoon almost feels Guanlin's heart take off into a sprint.

"You can sit next to me later," Jihoon offers softly as the other members start bustling about to get ready.

Guanlin turns to Jihoon, and Jihoon shrinks back at the look in the younger's eyes. There's hurt and anger, and the usual soft brown eyes look hollow and black.

"You don't have to pretend for my sake, hyung. I don't need—I don't want—your pity."

Guanlin stands up abruptly, striding forward to join the rest of the members before Jihoon can even blink.

"We're on in 30 seconds!"

Everyone is scrambling around, except for Jihoon, who seems to be frozen in shock.

"Where's Jihoon?" He hears Jisung shout, and then hands are on him, pushing him forward, adjusting his mic, fixing his makeup.

When he finally gets some bearing on his surrounding, he sees that he's in place, next to Daniel and Sungwoon. He searches for Guanlin, who is, as usual, sitting on the far side. Guanlin doesn't look at him, his face still set in that expressionless look.

Jihoon feels like he just swallowed a rock.

He doesn't say a single word during the interview, letting the other members take over when an awkward pause comes up. He does remember to smile from time to time. He can feel the gazes of the other members on him — concern from the older ones, confusion from the younger ones, and exasperation from Woojin. Everyone's giving him strange looks, but Guanlin doesn't look over to his side once.

When the interview ends and Wanna One is dismissed, Jihoon gives hurried bows and greetings. He needs some fresh air even though he shouldn't — Jisung is going to lose a lung trying to find him — but he can't stay in the room any longer.

Before he leaves, however, he catches Jaehwan's eyes.

"I'm going to go wait for the van in the lobby," Jihoon tells him, voice slightly scratchy.

Jaehwan nods, but holds onto his sleeve. "You...you okay?"

Jihoon pauses. He must be really obvious if Kim Jaehwan, King of Obliviousness, has noticed something wrong.

He shrugs out of Jaehwan's grasp and gives him a small smile before he slips out of the room, leaving the question unanswered.

 

* * *

 

The ride back is quiet. None of the members confronted him about his quietness throughout the day, and for that, Jihoon is grateful. Although usually a loud bunch of overgrown kids, the members have gotten pretty good at reading each other and knowing when to shut up. It's one of the many reasons Jihoon loves them.

He tries not to think about the weight of Jaehwan's head on his shoulder. Usually, it would be his own head lolling sideways onto a taller, cozy shoulder.

Guanlin had always told him _my shoulder is bony and uncomfortable_ , but Jihoon had only just snuggled closer.

Jihoon is the last one out of the van, even though he was sitting in the middle row. He'd watched as Jaehwan woke up and hopped out with a loud yawn; he'd watched as Seongwoo and Minhyun practically climbed over him to get to the door, each with a pat of comfort — Minhyun on the head, Ong on the shoulder; he'd watched as Guanlin followed close behind the older members silently, not sparing a glance at Jihoon.

Jihoon's steps are heavy when he heads into the dorm, his head hung low.

While normally the members would all start running for the bathroom or throwing themselves onto their beds, today, most of them are in the living room, talking quietly. The chatter gets even more quiet when Jihoon walks in.

"Hyung, we banished Guanlin from our room!" Daehwi calls out excitedly, only to pout a second later when Woojin smacks him in the head.

"You weren't supposed to say that!" Woojin whisper yells to Daehwi, who only whines loudly about his head and runs into Jinyoung's waiting arms.

The older members smile at Jihoon, with Jisung not so subtly nudging his head in the way of the big bedroom. Jihoon hesitates, because why would Guanlin want to see him? But everyone is staring at him expectantly, so he sighs and heads towards his room with a pounding heart.

The door creaks open slightly when Jihoon pushes it, and he winces at the sound.

Guanlin turns around from where he is stuffing clothes back into the dresser. His hands pause.

"Oh hyung. I was just..." Guanlin trails off, turning back to the dresser without having met Jihoon's gaze.

"Lin-ah," Jihoon whispers, and he sees Guanlin freeze at the nickname.

"I was just leaving," Guanlin says, standing up quickly and shouldering his backpack. The cap he has on hides his eyes.

Jihoon isn't going to let him slip through his fingers, not again. He steps into the room, swiftly closing the door. Even with the cap on Guanlin's head, Jihoon can see the panic settle into the younger, if only from the nervous shift of his weight from one foot to the other.

"Guanlin," Jihoon starts, and he approaches slowly, although it wouldn't have mattered since Guanlin seems to be rooted to his spot.

When Jihoon reaches Guanlin, the first thing he does is reach up and take off the cap. Guanlin whines in protest, and Jihoon can't help the fond smile that appears on his lips.

"Guanlin," Jihoon repeats, except this time it's softer, more gentle. He looks into Guanlin's eyes, and he sees the same guarded look he had been seeing for the past couple of weeks, and it still hurts.

"Don't look at me like that," he whispers, his hands gripping both of Guanlin's arms.

Guanlin looks away, a shade of pink appearing on his cheeks. "I don't know what you're talking—"

"Guanlin, it's not pity!" Jihoon nearly yells at the boy in front of him, and he sees Guanlin flinch back in surprise.

"Wh—what?"

"It's not pity," Jihoon repeats firmly, and he wills Guanlin to look at him.

Guanlin does look him in the eye, and this time, Jihoon is relieved to find confusion, uncertainty, and...is that hope?

But then Guanlin is looking away, looking down at his feet. "It's okay hyung, I know I've bothered you a lot...with my skinship, with my forwardness. You don't—you don't have to keep pretending that—"

Jihoon cuts Guanlin off by throwing himself onto the boy, nearly knocking both of them down by the force. He winds his arms around Guanlin's waist and buries his head against Guanlin's neck.

Jihoon inhales.

Vanilla and coconut.

Guanlin.

"Why would you think I was pretending? That it was pity?" Jihoon mumbles, his voice muffled.

There's a beat of silence and Jihoon can feel Guanlin try to detach himself, but that only causes him to hang on tighter.

"Was it not?" Guanlin asks softly, and Jihoon can hear the hurt and insecurity in the boy's voice.

Jihoon pulls away just a little in order to see Guanlin's face. He's met with the most conflicted expression he has ever seen — as if Guanlin doesn't know whether to believe him or not.

"It wasn't," Jihoon whispers thickly, wanting to pull Guanlin close and never let go, but settling instead for tugging on the younger's hand to drag them both onto Guanlin's bed.

Guanlin isn't meeting Jihoon's gaze, and seeing the boy shift his eyes everywhere but on him makes Jihoon so anxious that he can't breathe properly.

"Guanlin," Jihoon whispers, reaching for Guanlin's hand and pretending that he doesn't see the boy flinch away. He doesn't give up, however, and catches the retreating boy's fingers in his. "What can I say to make you believe me?"

Guanlin doesn't answer, but he lifts his head up to meet Jihoon's eyes, and Jihoon almost wishes that he didn't. Because Jihoon sees all of the hurt and the hesitance and the doubt that Guanlin had been trying to hide, and it hits Jihoon with a force that makes his heart ache.

He takes a shaky breath, his fingers unconsciously tightening around Guanlin's.

"Hyung? Hyung, are you okay?"

Jihoon looks back up into Guanlin's eyes, where the previous emotions are replaced by concern and worry. And he thinks, he really does not deserve Lai Guanlin.

And suddenly, Jihoon can't keep still. His hands untangle themselves from Guanlin's and flutter from Guanlin's shoulders, across his chest, finally coming to a rest on Guanlin's face. There's curiousity in Guanlin's eyes, but Jihoon doesn't miss the still present distant look.

"Guanlin," Jihoon breathes out, and there's so much raw emotion in his voice that he almost gets embarrassed.

Guanlin tries to turn his head away, but Jihoon's hands are firm as they cup Guanlin's face, forcing the other to look at him.

"Guanlin, I like you."

Jihoon is proud that his voice stays stable as he finally forces out the words that he has been keeping buried inside.

But Guanlin is already shrinking away, his face hardening.

"Don't do that," he says harshly, breaking away from Jihoon's grasp.

"Do what?" Jihoon asks, helpless as he watches Guanlin move to the opposite end of the bed.

Guanlin is silent for a minute, and Jihoon is itching to reach over and embrace him, but he wills himself to stay where he is.

"Say things you don't mean," Guanlin finally whispers, and, just like that, Jihoon sees all the pent up anger and frustration leave the boy. And suddenly, Guanlin looks like the most vulnerable boy in the world.

"Guanlin—"

"No, hyung," Guanlin cuts him off, his tone sharp. "You don't get to play with my feelings like this."

There's a pause.

"Not anymore. I won't let you anymore," Guanlin says, soft, and Jihoon picks up on the surrender, the weak wave of a white flag.

As if he was giving up. And that scares Jihoon more than seeing the hollowness in Guanlin's eyes, more than feeling Guanlin put up a physical barrier between them.

"No."

It's one simple word, but Jihoon finds that he has to choke it out, his throat closing up as his heart jumps erratically.

When Guanlin stares at him, Jihoon lurches forward, his arms coming up to fling around Guanlin's neck. The force nearly knocks them both down, but Guanlin has fast reflexes and a hand immediately shoots up catch Jihoon's waist even as another reaches behind to steady them on the bed.

"H-hyung?" Guanlin asks uncertainly, but Jihoon can't answer.

Vanilla. Coconut.

Guanlin.

"You don't get to decide that," Jihoon mutters into Guanlin's neck.

He feels Guanlin's hand slipping away from his waist, so he clings on tighter.

"You don't get to decide if I mean or don't mean something," Jihoon clarifies, pulling back just enough to look into Guanlin's confused eyes.

"But--"

"Guanlin, I like you," Jihoon repeats, emphasizing the words, even as he feels his cheeks burn. "I've...I've liked you since the beginning. None of it was done out of pity. All of it was real."

Jihoon sees Guanlin try to digest the information, his bottom lip in his mouth as he chews on it.

"It was real?" Guanlin whispers, a crack in his voice.

And Guanlin, in that moment, looks so vulnerable and lost that Jihoon's heart swells up a thousand times as it thuds painfully against his ribcage.

"All of it," Jihoon breathes out, taking Guanlin's hands in his.

"I'm sorry I couldn't express myself openly. I'm bad with words and even worse with actions. You...Guanlin, you're so full of love and you radiate warmth and affection everywhere you go."

Jihoon pauses a moment, letting his hand come up to cup at Guanlin's cheek. And Guanlin, his eyes wide, leans slightly into the touch, and that's all the encouragement Jihoon needs to continue.

"I'm shy and I get embarrassed easily so I can't express all that I want to. And I don't know why I thought you would know when I haven't said anything, but those small smiles? Those hidden touches? Those whispered words? They're all for you. Only you.

"And...you deserve someone who showers you with affection and love all the time. And...and I don't know if I can be that. But, Lin, these past few weeks have been the longest and most miserable weeks of my life. It hurt so much to have you ignore me. And I didn't say anything because...well, because I'm a fool and I thought you would tell me if anything was wrong. Because you always do; you always tell me everything. I didn't know you thought...that I..."

Jihoon chokes on his words, feeling tears prick his eyes as his vision goes slightly blurry. "Guanlin, I...I'll do anything so that it never happens again. I'll do better. I'll be better so you never feel like this again. Please never ignore me again. I'll—"

But Jihoon is yanked out of his anxious, incoherent rant by a rough pull on the arm and before he knows it, he finds a familiar voice in his ear, hushing him with soothing words.

Jihoon takes in a deep breath and smells vanilla and coconut. "Guanlin?"

"Hyung, don't change for me. I like you because you're you," Guanlin murmurs, his breath so close that Jihoon shivers.

"But—"

"I wanted to give you some space these past few weeks. In case you wanted it. I came off too strong and...I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable. I thought that maybe, if I distanced myself, I could sort out my feelings and make everything easier for the both of us. It wasn't your fault."

Jihoon wants to protest again, but he sees Guanlin's sincere face laced with concentration, and he knows that Guanlin means every word that came out of his mouth.

"I don't need space, Guanlin. My whole life, people have been giving me space because I don't initiate or reciprocate. This past year with you...I've been trying really hard. You make me want to stay by your side. You make me want to reach out and hold your hand, or pat your back as a form of encouragement, or even hug you tightly for reassurance." Jihoon takes a deep breath. He's never been as poetic or articulate as Guanlin, and he was struggling to finish his train of thought. "I...Guanlin, I like you."

It was perhaps a lame and weak end, but Jihoon pours out his entire heart in those four words, hoping that Guanlin can understand.

And Guanlin is looking at him with so much love, love that Jihoon isn't sure he deserves. But he wants so badly to show that the feeling is reciprocated, so he closes his eyes and leans up to place a kiss on the side of Guanlin's mouth, just off so that Guanlin can turn away if he wants to.

Instead, Guanlin adjusts himself so that his lips hover right above Jihoon's, an act that could be seen as hesitation but which Jihoon takes as an invitation. Jihoon isn't sure if the pounding is coming from his or Guanlin's heart, but he is sure that this moment will slip away if he doesn't take advantage of it, so he surges forward and locks their lips together in a seal.

And then one of Guanlin's hands is behind Jihoon's neck, tangling his fingers in Jihoon's messy hair. A sigh escapes, and Jihoon's hands come up to clutch at the front of Guanlin's sweatshirt, fisting the fabric in his fingers. He kisses Guanlin with intense fervor, as if wanting—needing—to convey all of his unspoken feelings in this one moment.

By the way Guanlin's hand cups Jihoon's cheek, rubbing slow circles with his thumb as he kisses him softly, tenderly, Jihoon thinks that Guanlin understands.

And he doesn't deserve an understanding Guanlin who waits patiently for him, who looks at him with so much love, who kisses him like he's the most precious thing in the world.

But, by some sort of miracle, Jihoon gets him anyway, so he clings on as tightly as possible.

"I like you too, Jihoon hyung," Guanlin murmurs softly, his fingers coming up to brush aside Jihoon's fringe.

And the words are obvious, an unnecessary confirmation, yet Jihoon takes comfort in them anyway, his heart speeding up and his eyes blinking rapidly.

"Don't change for me," Guanlin says again, firm.

And before Jihoon can nod, Guanlin has pulled him down onto the bed and under the covers.

"Guanlin?" Jihoon asks, peeking up from under Guanlin's chin, where he is tucked tightly against.

When Guanlin looks at him, Jihoon uses the last of his remaining strength to push himself up and press a soft kiss against Guanlin's mouth again. He doesn't move after, his lips lingering. "Thank you."

Guanlin responds by kissing him back lightly before tucking him into his arms again.

There's a moment's silence where the only thing Jihoon hears is Guanlin's steady heartbeat against his ear. He closes his eyes, taking comfort in the sound.

"I've missed you."

It's whispered so softly that Jihoon would have missed it, if not for the slight brush of Guanlin's lips on the crown of his head.

"Me too. You don't even know," Jihoon responds, his arms unconsciously tightening around Guanlin.

Jihoon inhales and smells vanilla and coconut.

He's in the land between reality and dreams when he hears the door creak open. He thinks he hears a soft, fond _kids_ being whispered, but Guanlin is blocking his view, so he's not too sure.

Cocooned in Guanlin's arms and feeling the boy's steady breathing against his ear, Jihoon realizes that Guanlin isn't going to let him go anytime soon.

And Jihoon, his eyes fluttering closed, realizes that he wouldn't have it any other way.

**Author's Note:**

> Feels like forever since I've written lol. This has been sitting in my drafts since...forever, if you can tell from the time it's set during lol. But I just found it and decided to finish it and post! I love Panwink so much and I'm going to protect them until the end ♥
> 
> As always, comments are so so so welcome and appreciated!


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